Story, Part 1

With trepidation I gave Theresa, my daughter, my winter coat then carried Hobbes onto the plane. I sat on the plane weak and tired, but every muscle in my body was tense. Hobbes was calm as long as he knew I was right there with him. Now I had to sit there for several hours with nothing to do. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t. I brought some magazines with me, but I found all I could do was stare at them. I finally put them down and looked out the window. Looking down at those clouds was very relaxing, and various thoughts went through my mind.

What would Dad do if he couldn’t travel any longer. My sisters and I, Donella and Doreen, had discussed it and we all thought that if Dad couldn’t travel any longer, he would just sit down and die. Traveling was his passion.

I had already become concerned about the future of my parents, but it wasn't concern any longer. I knew I had to do something to make sure they were safe from now on. First of all, though, I had to find out how bad Dad was.

The plane finally landed in Phoenix early that afternoon. I took the shuttle to the trailer park in Apache Junction, then drove to the hospital. I kept praying that Dad wasn't so bad that he would be a vegetable the rest of his life. When I walked into the room Dad was asleep, but Mom immediately recognized me and said, "Oh Jean!" Mom didn't seem to understand that we were in a hospital and she hadn't known for quite a while that I was her daughter. The nurses had been trying to get her to sleep in a window seat in Dad’s room, which had to be very uncomfortable with her back problems, but at least they were taking care of her. There was only so much they could do without admitting her and they couldn't do that. A nurse came into the room and told me how glad they were to see me. As I walked Mom back to the window seat Dad woke up. He tried to tell Mom to go back to the window seat, but I told him I would take care of her. That’s when he laid back and relaxed and went to sleep.

The nurse told me that Dad would be in the hospital for several days and that he might improve, but they didn't know how much. Dad's speech was very slurred and hard to understand. He couldn't stand and he didn't have much control of his left arm. Oh God, I prayed, please help Dad recover.

I took Mom to the trailer, driving through a fast food on the way. We ate in the car, then again at the trailer a couple hours later. I put Mom to bed around 7:00 and sat down in the chair beside the door with Hobbes in the chair next to me to watch TV. Dad could be worse, but I didn't know how much he would improve. I didn't know much about strokes. I called my sisters and my kids, but I didn't know how encouraging I could be. We just didn't know anything yet.

The next day I tried to make things fairly normal for Mom. For several years Dad had fixed breakfast, a frozen waffle and a banana, so that's what I gave Mom. By the time I was able to get Mom and myself ready to go to the hospital it was close to noon. When I walked into the room I found that someone had fed Dad and had tried to have him walk, but he couldn't stand yet and had to go back to bed. Each day after that he gained more control, strength and his speech was better, but he was still hard to understand. When he wanted to say something, he would just say it and expect you to understand what he had said. Quite often I couldn't understand him and would ask him to repeat it. In his frustration at not being understood he finally said, "Oh, just go home and leave me alone." He just didn't understand that his speech wasn't clear. Of course, I didn't.

At least he was improving. Mom and I went to the hospital every day, although we couldn't stay over two hours because Mom couldn't handle sitting in one place very long. She became fidgety, then became upset and started talking louder, saying she needed to get out of there and that she didn’t belong there. Next she would start trying (sometimes fighting you) to get out of the room. Alzheimer's!! (Or dementia) Dad was in the hospital over two weeks. When it was almost time for Dad to be discharged the doctor told me Dad should go to a nursing home. I couldn't accept that and I told the doctor that Dad was going to the trailer and that I was going to take care of him. The doctor then became more stern and said that Dad needed physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy, and that he needed to be in a nursing home. I asked him if there was someplace I could take Dad to get the various types of therapy and still have him live in the trailer. The doctor finally realized I was not going to put Dad in a nursing home and arranged for the therapists to come to the trailer. I felt like jumping up and down with excitement, but knew I needed to remain the calm daughter.

By the time Dad was discharged his mind had improved and he started realizing what had happened. When I told him that his speech was bad at first, he laughed and said he thought he was speech very clear and that I was the one with the problem. Then we both laughed.

The therapists came 2-3 times a week, and Dad gradually improved enough so that he didn't need them any longer. It felt so good to have Dad almost back to where he was before the stroke.

Kinsell and Vivien, Dad's brother and sister-in-law, had a winter home in Sun City West and wanted us to go over for Dad's 90^th birthday. His birthday was on April 5th, but they wanted to have it early. We wouldn't be in Arizona in April. Dad thoroughly enjoyed that day. Vivien had prepared a delicious meal and birthday cake, and Kinsell and Dad enjoyed reminiscing.

The biggest problem was that Mom and Dad couldn’t be alone any more. I dreaded talking to Dad about that, but I didn't have to approach the subject as Dad told me that it wasn't safe for him and Mom to live without someone else there. We discussed the situation and I told him I would help them. He told me I didn't need to do that, but I told him I wanted to. Deep down within me I wanted to take care of them, like a mother wants to take care of her child. That feeling was becoming very strong, especially when my parents needed help. They were becoming helpless and I wanted -- no, I needed to help them. I loved them and they had always loved me. Their love for me was never conditional. It was never based on whether it was convenient for them. They loved me without reservation. They took care of me and provided for me when it caused them to have to work harder, when it caused them to not get enough sleep, when it caused them to give up things they wanted to provide for me. They just loved me as a parent should love their child and I wanted to help them when they needed my help. I didn’t know how I would take care of them, but I was going to do what I had to do.

Mom, Dad & Friend

Mountains outside
Apache Junction

I also knew that when Mom and Dad retired they had saved enough money so that they thought they would be financially set for the rest of their lives, but inflation hit shortly after they retired. The amount of their savings increased a little but inflation took the buying power away. They did have enough money for me to do this, if we didn't spend money unnecessarily. Dad was 89, Mom was 87. I knew I could do it because I was younger than most people with parents that age and I was in good health. I had a choice. I didn't have to put my parents in a nursing home, at least not now. Hopefully I would never have to put them in a nursing home. Most people aren't in the situation I was in. Most people don't really have a choice. I did have a choice and I was going to take care of my parents.

When it was time to go back to Granger (which is close to Des Moines) I hooked up the trailer and "loaded" Mom, Dad and Hobbes. Dad still needed help getting in the Suburban (my standing behind him and pushing) and Mom had needed help for quite a while. Dad sat in front with me and Mom sat in the back seat with Hobbes. Hobbes wanted to stay in his kennel but Mom kept talking to him and made sure he was okay. It seemed to give her the feeling she was needed and it kept her occupied. Dad felt like he still had a life to look forward to.

In Oklahoma the gage on the car indicated the motor was getting hot. I stopped at a rest stop and opened the hood to look at the motor. Of course, all I knew was how to check the oil and water but I had to look anyway. I was starting to get nervous about traveling with my parents. If there was a problem with the motor what could I do, anyway? A truck driver walked over and checked the motor for me. He added some water and said he thought it would get us home without any more problems. The hoses were tight and nothing seemed to be leaking. That was a major turning point for me. I felt that God would always have someone there to help us if I needed it. There are nice people everywhere and people that are willing to help you when you need it.

Jean, Eric, Mom, Dad, Theresa

I drove fairly short days since it was hard on Mom and Dad to sit in the car very long. We didn't have a deadline and I wanted to do everything I could to make sure they all arrived home healthy.

After we were finally in Granger I took a few days to unload the trailer. Friends and family visited, but Mom and Dad were very tired. Dad became a little more quiet but I thought it was just because he was tired. Finally he asked me a question I wasn't ready to answer. "What do you think about going to Canada this summer?" I thought about that for a little bit, then I told him that as long as his health was okay I didn't see any problem with going. He relaxed and had a gleam in his eye that I hadn't seen since before his stroke. When he asked about Canada he was talking about a trailer park called Shelter Bay on Vancouver Island, just south of Campbell River, British Columbia, Canada. Vancouver Island is off the west coast of Canada. Mom and Dad had gone there every summer for the previous 22 years.

The next couple of months were like a dream to Dad. He had thought his days of enjoying life were over, but they weren't. He was going to Canada again. We went to the senior meals in Des Moines, Dad bought a new boat (he had sold his other one the year before), and my parents lives were getting back to normal. Dad had something to look forward to. Mom was just happy the way a 4 year old is happy.

Donella told Dad that she and Dick would come over and help enclose the front of the boat for him. Dad spent a lot of time planning the changes he wanted made in the boat. Donella and Dick spent a day enclosing the front of the boat and putting in a floor. Tom, a neighbor, came over and helped. Dad sat in a lawn chair and watched every move they made. He sat straight and smiled the whole time. He felt so happy and proud to have everyone working together to get the job done that he couldn't do any longer.

Dad told me of his frustration about Mom hiding things and throwing things away. Mom was at the stage of Alzheimer's that she didn't know what she was doing. Dad thought she was throwing away bills and other important things, but I had noticed that he did some of that himself. I gradually took over paying the bills and Dad acted like there was a huge weight taken off of him. I put anything that was important where neither one of them knew where it was.

I did not tell Dad that he was throwing things away himself and we did not tell Mom she had Alzheimer's. As I think about that now I'm glad we didn't tell them. Dad didn't have to worry about his mind not working properly. Previously Mom had several TIA's that caused her to have problems remembering some things. That was frustrating to her but she didn't think it would get worse. When they diagnosed her with Alzheimer's we simply didn't tell her. She didn't have to worry about what she was going to go through before she died. She was happy that way.

Mom had regressed to the stage of a little girl and wanted her mother, sometimes crying because she missed her. She would say, "I just want my mother."

I hugged her and told her, "I know you want her, but she just can't be here right now. I'll take care of you and you'll be all right." That statement seemed to help. Then she asked for pictures of her parents. I brought out her parents wedding pictures since that is what they looked like when she was a little girl. "Oh, yes. That's my parents." She clung to those pictures the rest of the day. After that I made sure they were available whenever she wanted her parents.

Before we left for Canada Dad had an appointment to have a skin cancer taken off his ear. The doctor had to remove more than he expected but thought he got it all. He said it would heal all right without anyone noticing a scar. It turned out to be a melanoma so it was a good thing we didn't wait until after we came back from Canada. I had to dress it for several weeks while we were traveling until it healed enough to go without a bandage.